Latest articles

→ The Many Dangers of the Swine Flu Scare

→ How to Measure Treatment Success Through Sleep and Dreams

→ Why Dreams Are Valuable in Homeopathic Diagnosis and Treatment

Case of a Sexually Abused Woman Who Hates Herself

by David Nortman
Topics: Clinical Practice

This is the first of a series of articles where I present in full detail the homeopathic treatment of a lifelong psychological condition.

This is the emotionally charged story of Janice, a 33-year-old woman and single mother of a boy, who suffered sexual abuse during her childhood. Her psychological difficulties center on themes of sexuality, self-hatred, violence, and emotional instability with lifelong depressive tendencies.

Below I present the initial appointment with Janice. This material is the basis on which I selected the homeopathic remedy, as I will present in the next articles in the series:

In subsequent articles I will detail Janice’s clinical progress over time. The case is published with permission of the patient, whose name and other identifying details have been altered.

Full Transcript of Janice’s Case

Janice opens our conversation by describing her chief complaint as: “Something that separates me from my life.”

 

Please tell me about this?

I am a warrior, fighting for my life rather than giving up on it. I am always on the defense. Fighting my constant desire to die.

There are two things that motivate my personality. First, tempestuousness: an inner tempest that cannot be contained and has to come out. Second, sexuality: very obvious and maybe the first thing that characterizes me from a very young age; it rules over my life though I try not to let it. All of my contacts with people, even with girlfriends, are from this place: sensuality, temptation, the way I feel in the street.

Do you want the story of my life? It seems so obvious, transparent. Depression, and panic attacks especially around relationships with men. Crazy separation anxiety, tendency to be with abusive men, any separation is like someone tearing out a part of my body. I have a disease that is incurable: childhood trauma. If you open a textbook on incest, I am it. I need constant attention.

 

Tell me about your childhood?

I am glad it is difficult for me to tell it. I need encouragement all the time, that I am sweet, etc. — I found an original way without bothering people — very few people don’t cooperate, but when they don’t then I am in deep anxiety. Recently I asked an ex-boyfriend: Is your current girlfriend cuter than myself? He said he wouldn’t cooperate with me and I felt awful. I am like a drug addict: I don’t care whether the words are true, I have to hear them.

It creates a situation where you are constantly living with the feeling of being a sexual creature. Love is sex, it is 99% of your life, you see sexual creatures all around you, always feeling sexually aroused — even at the age of 5. Sadistic fantasies at a young age. You feel crazy, living in secrecy, cannot tell anyone. A small child in a world of adults. I need touch all the time. I don’t exist unless I am touched — but that’s all textbook stuff.

Mother was a monster at home, abused me regularly, mainly emotionally — even being beaten up was mainly about humiliation. Everything was done with coldness, something Nazi about it. I had a ritual of losing things at school and would try to get her to accompany me back to school to find it, a game; but she didn’t.

Something happened with my father at a very young age: I don’t remember, maybe there was penetration, for a few years. Later on it was showering me with affection, looking at me, touching me through the blanket. It’s difficult because I will never know what happened.

An impossible situation: on the one hand you lust for your father, for this sort of love, and at the same time there is something crazy about it. Then there is abandonment by him, and then I feel empty, like something is torn out of my body, my breathing stops, horrid loneliness and disconnection, you get up in the morning not knowing who you are.

 

What was the feeling?

Confusion, fear of moving from this place, that every move you do either you or the world will fall apart. This is how it was at a young age. At an older age I could no longer contain this sexuality so in Grade 1 I would rape boys to kiss me, by Grade 2 I already made out with somebody. Sexual fantasies, gradual development of violence: in Grade 11 someone ended up in hospital because of me.

In highschool I returned to a phase of disconnection, went through a large change: I became fearful of boys, no one touched me and I didn’t touch myself. I remember moments of my sexuality being so intense, something down there happening that I had no connection with, something forbidden. A connection to some memory; to this day I have attacks like that. I go through extreme phases: very sexual to asexual, even within a relationship — no balance. The desire increased from a young age, but so did the guilt and disgust and nausea and… those never let go, like a cancer that expands into every aspect of your life.

Lately I feel like I am getting better: I am letting the real me out. In the last two years I can finally sing, but still with this warrior feeling. Lately I choose more normal men, not ones that beat you up and crazy stuff like that, I am learning to be in control but that’s with the help of medication: Cipralex antidepressant and Clonex [for panic attacks] during difficult times.

I have nothing further to live for: my goal in life is to be cured of this, so I wouldn’t need to live any longer. I already understood what life has to offer, and most of life is suffering, wars, disasters. I will fight for my life until I am able to cure myself of that girl, that monster within me that experienced that abuse, the one that has been kicked around and is homeless, without clothing, and hateful — and I will let her win. She wants to die, she doesn’t want me to live, she would love for us to have committed suicide long ago. In the past she controlled everything and I didn’t have a life; now we agreed that she would let me prove myself, and then I would let her win. She is telling me: I want to prove that I am stronger than all the assholes that screwed up my life. It’s a complicated relationships, love-hate; I imagine myself abusing her.

I am a person of extremes, very aggressive yet very gentle. A warrior that can collapse into bed trembling and unable to move: these two sides are living in me. Clonex shuts up this little girl — it’s an indescribable pleasure. She can destroy the world, she has tons of power, so the medication allows me to drug her or put her in jail for a while.

 

What does the little girl feel and see around her?

I hate her, I don’t care what she feels. She is so bad and miserly: a monster. She has only destructiveness. She is disgusting, looks like a monster, has all sorts of growths, like an old grandmother: dirty, shrivelled, angry, and threatening.

I have a problem with water: I am a clean person but I hate showering, maybe because of my dad. Once in a while I will lie in bed after several days of not showering, and I enjoy this connection with her. She lives in the gutter. I am afraid of water, I feel like something is swallowing me from below, and hate drinking water, it disgusts me. But I like washing my hands, and I like creams and masks for my face. I am afraid when there is no ground beneath me in a pool or the sea.

 

Were you forced to shower?

Yes, and this relates to the abuse. She cannot be approached, she sticks her nails out at whoever approaches her, very hurt. I did a guided imagery exercise, where I saw that when she was under 2 years old she was still OK but by ages 4 to 10 she’d become this disgusting person.

 

What was she like as an infant?

Wow, I saw a baby that is happy, joyful, blond, plump, enjoying swimming and going under water, and I could love her and be her mother. When I look at her and feel empathy for her suffering then I feel depressed.

 

Tell me more about this girl’s wretchedness?

I hate her, she is so disgusting. Her very existence. She is like a cancer within me.

Warrior: very strong in me. I will fight. Revenge. Strike back. Destroy. Individualistic. Jealousy. I can tear someone to pieces when I get angry. Something rises in you, you swallow, it reaches the throat, held in the throat, then suddenly it goes to the brain, resulting in uncontrollable screaming in someone’s face. Like a dinosaur, not human. Monstrous. An animal that fights, its territory will be declared in such a crazy manner. I shoot from my mouth what I think. My family considers me crazy. Like I have a weapon in my hands: beware of me, just dare come near me and you will be torn to pieces.

Lately I have a desire to shoot people, whoever annoys me. It’s like I am penetrating the other person: with a bullet, with nails. I sink my nails into flesh until I see blood, and I continue and continue until I tear up and twist the flesh. Satisfaction, catharsis, like when I sing and want to expel this thing from within me, this monster-girl energy: it can exit me and be released, through the contact with the other person. It exits me and destroys the other person. Vengeance, desire to terrorize someone else’s body. But I have no way of letting this energy out, it’s all bound within, violence, the desire to destroy people that do bad to me and people in general. A desire to see their suffering from the pain I am inflicting. Sadism. To see a person disappear through my force. To be the strongest person in the world — I often walk around with this feeling. A rapist would run away from me if he ever approached me. I want to be the world’s greatest monster, bad and mean, to roar so that everyone will run away. No one would DARE come near or say anything to me that is not to my liking.

I have fantasies in relation to sex: that I am injuring and destroying the person I am with, scratch him, see blood. If only I could destroy my father before it all happened. A person comes to destroy you, penetrate you, and you do it first, disembowel him first, cut off his genitals. Continue burrowing into his body, as he will keep being stronger than you. Stand on his body, kick him, bite into him, step on his entire body, break his jaw with my legs, disable his ability to speak.

 

What passes through your mind before this fantasy arises?

I am all alone, no one will save me, so I have to act. I have to become a warrior, fight this creature and destroy it completely in order to save my own life. Then I would have a normal life. That’s why I cannot bear this girl who didn’t fight her father. I hate her and am unforgiving: How come she didn’t save my life? — so I want to destroy and kick her as well. I cannot forgive myself for not having done that. This is where the two of us connect. This is the place where I am stuck psychologically. I should be able to forgive myself, accept that I needed my father’s love because he did give me love, however perverted, whereas my mother didn’t.

Where was I? I am alone in the world, fight and survive alone: Why didn’t I fight? I could have done it simply by pushing him away and saying No. My middle sister was able to project this “Don’t touch me!” message and apparently he didn’t touch her. She cannot be touched, she doesn’t hug, etc. I understand that at the time my survival depended on becoming a whore: to this day I have a fantasy of being a playful prostitute for a day.

 

Any recurrent or memorable dreams?

Sadistic dreams of tormenting my girlfriends’ genitals. Later on about being in washrooms and gutters. Now a fear of my son being kidnapped and raped. This is my worst fear: If it happened I would kill him and myself. I protect him like a wolf. Recently a dream of my boyfriend wanting to murder me, chasing me by car. Whatever I do, he always finds me, with an axe, murders all the family and friends.

Finally I asked standard homeopathic questions concerning other symptoms unrelated to the primary complaint, medical history, weather and food preferences, fears, and like or dislike of certain animals:

  • Recurrent infections in tonsils. Recurrent urinary tract infections throughout childhood and early adulthood. Vaginal rashes in past. Burst ovarian cyst at age 19, required laparoscopic surgery to remove debris. Past hyperthyroidism since birth of my son, was medicated for a while. Two years ago had radiation therapy which caused medically induced hypothyroidism and made the depressions worse. Currently treated with just over 100mcg/day (800mcg/week) of Eltroxin [thyroxine, a thyroid hormone substitute].
  • Hate winter, water, wind, cold. Like hot, direct sun, the desert: these soften my tempestuous energy. I am exhibitionistic, I like to wear transparent shirts, so that people know that I’ve been through sexual abuse: proud of it!
  • Fear of my legs being eaten. The feeling of cancer redeeming me fills me with excitement. You do all this work, you reach a precipice, and you decide whether to jump or fly. It used to be I would jump but now I am considering flying.
  • Absolutely hate cats: their eyes are inhuman, bad. Love the hummingbird, a bird that flies backward, with small, gentle, beautiful, very fast wings. Love riding horses: control of your body and the horse.
  • With food and drink I need to eat specific things in a specific order. Precision with regard to food.

Next week I will explain in detail my homeopathic case analysis of Janice’s life story, which I will complete in the third article of the series where I will present the final differential diagnosis and her homeopathic remedy prescription:

Part 2: Homeopathic Analysis of Main Themes
Part 3: Differential Diagnosis and Prescription

Speak your mind: Share your thoughts on this article by publishing your comment below.

AddThis Social Bookmark Button AddThis Feed Button Subscribe by E-mail Button E-mail Article Button

← Debating the Availability of Publicly Funded Homeopathic Treatment

Case of a Sexually Abused Woman Who Hates Herself (2): Homeopathic Analysis of Main Themes →

No comments yet (Click here to leave the first comment)

Read related articles:

↓ Fill out this form to leave a comment:

  • If you have a question or comment unrelated to the article above please e-mail me instead.
  • As a spam-prevention measure, comments will appear only after they are approved, usually within a day.

*Name:

*Email:
(will not be published)

Website:
(optional)

*Comment:

Notify me of follow-up comments?

Click here to subscribe to the HomeopathyZone newsletter to receive future article updates...